A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.