I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Note to self: I am a note
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us