Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My wedding will be open casket.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.