She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated