“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I beg your pardon?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously