Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Close call…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy