Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
You Might Also Like
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?