When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.