Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?