I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Cheer up.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
cat vs inanimate object
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.