College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.