this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
i was baptized in a car wash
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….