beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises