All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night