Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
🙁
tell em, edith-anne
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.