At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.