Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”