Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.