Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
One of the best
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”