how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see thatβs why i keep my mouth shut.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I donβt want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, arenβt we all, haha, Iβll just try to go about my business, okay no sheβs definitely biting me
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it π
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isnβt a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
In your 20βs: Iβm going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50βs: Turn that music down, I canβt even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If your wife tells you βWeβd be terrible partners on The Amazing Raceβ itβs a term of affection, right?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Lycra leggings didnβt get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they donβt sleep either.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.