Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.