“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
absolutely not
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.