My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
moms in horror movies
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.