I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
This story is comedy gold 😂
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”