Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?