Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sooo many times…..
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.