9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.