Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.