Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.