person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
…żyje?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever