Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.