His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.