ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
#parenting
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.