How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
sin harder.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.