An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time