My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My boss called in sick of me
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?