HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
How wrong was this guy?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat