Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
🤣🤣
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too