Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely