“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Wait for it