Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile