Namaste
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…