Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay