Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.