If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”