Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
You had me at “define legal”.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself