Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.