When your man makes a valid point
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?