going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.