6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.